7/21/11
getting in my head. @ 5:06 PM
I get asked by so many people what it's like to be bipolar. "What's it like to have the highs and lows?", "What does it feel like?"
I have always tried to explain it in the best way possible and people are still clueless. Honestly, there is no way for me to tell you in a way you understand unless I give you my brain for a day and experience the cluster-fuck of thoughts attacking each other in my mind (If you read any of my journal entries, there's a chance you would say "This bitch is CERTIFIABLE"). Don't worry, I take a lot of medication to make sure I don't go over the deep end. ;)
In the easiest, and most ridiculously, twisted way.. it's like being mind-fucked by yourself. Your own brain arguing with itself. The rational thoughts on one side and the irrational thoughts (that make no sense, mind you) on the other side, giving the finger and laughing at the rational ones (they tend to lose 9 out of 10 times).
It's like being a drug addict without the drugs. When I'm normal, my brain "re-ups" going into a state of fantasy where anything is possible, I am invincible and I have one short fuse. I get a high off of pushing people's buttons, and laugh when they try to insult me back. FYI: no insult will ever compare to the one's I have told myself, because I KNOW I'm "crazy", and have come to terms with it. Arguing and pissing someone off is a high to me, I can't get enough of it. Just like a drug. I want more. I WANT YOU TO FIGHT BACK. Why? Because I, my dear reader, have a comeback for everything, and I promise you I always have the last word. (This is probably why I am incapable of being in a relationship, or actually, maintaining a stable one).
Then comes the "downer" stage.. where the drug runs out and I'm withdrawing from the sense of urgency to WANT to do ANYTHING with my day. These are the hardest days.
It's as if my uncle has died all over again, my boyfriend has left me, and I am the shittiest parent on the face of the earth. All thoughts I have made up on my own. My sadness is equal to that of mourning the loss of a loved one or family member. I could lay in bed for days and never get out, along with no eating. I shut of my phone and lay in silence. Most of the time I'm sleeping, but there are times when 18 hours of sleep can make your head hurt.
Maybe this is the best way to tell people what it's like to be me, but there's only a couple days every so often where I get a little silly, but other than that, my disorder adds pizaz to my personality. Just a little spunk.
It takes a special kind of person to love me, to care for me, to care ABOUT me, to understand me .. to appreciate me for exactly who I am.
Labels: wtf
7/21/11
getting in my head. @ 5:06 PM
I get asked by so many people what it's like to be bipolar. "What's it like to have the highs and lows?", "What does it feel like?"
I have always tried to explain it in the best way possible and people are still clueless. Honestly, there is no way for me to tell you in a way you understand unless I give you my brain for a day and experience the cluster-fuck of thoughts attacking each other in my mind (If you read any of my journal entries, there's a chance you would say "This bitch is CERTIFIABLE"). Don't worry, I take a lot of medication to make sure I don't go over the deep end. ;)
In the easiest, and most ridiculously, twisted way.. it's like being mind-fucked by yourself. Your own brain arguing with itself. The rational thoughts on one side and the irrational thoughts (that make no sense, mind you) on the other side, giving the finger and laughing at the rational ones (they tend to lose 9 out of 10 times).
It's like being a drug addict without the drugs. When I'm normal, my brain "re-ups" going into a state of fantasy where anything is possible, I am invincible and I have one short fuse. I get a high off of pushing people's buttons, and laugh when they try to insult me back. FYI: no insult will ever compare to the one's I have told myself, because I KNOW I'm "crazy", and have come to terms with it. Arguing and pissing someone off is a high to me, I can't get enough of it. Just like a drug. I want more. I WANT YOU TO FIGHT BACK. Why? Because I, my dear reader, have a comeback for everything, and I promise you I always have the last word. (This is probably why I am incapable of being in a relationship, or actually, maintaining a stable one).
Then comes the "downer" stage.. where the drug runs out and I'm withdrawing from the sense of urgency to WANT to do ANYTHING with my day. These are the hardest days.
It's as if my uncle has died all over again, my boyfriend has left me, and I am the shittiest parent on the face of the earth. All thoughts I have made up on my own. My sadness is equal to that of mourning the loss of a loved one or family member. I could lay in bed for days and never get out, along with no eating. I shut of my phone and lay in silence. Most of the time I'm sleeping, but there are times when 18 hours of sleep can make your head hurt.
Maybe this is the best way to tell people what it's like to be me, but there's only a couple days every so often where I get a little silly, but other than that, my disorder adds pizaz to my personality. Just a little spunk.
It takes a special kind of person to love me, to care for me, to care ABOUT me, to understand me .. to appreciate me for exactly who I am.
Labels: wtf
i my me mine.
you think you know me yeah ?
I'm 27, a single mom to a beautiful 3 year old girl, and I'm a college graduate.
I have bipolar depression.
I have many layers of complexity. I am a vast repository of both useful and useless information, which means I can be mysterious as well as great in conversation. I notice the small stuff, both the good and the bad, and always looking at the big picture can become very overwhelming. A day in my mind is like living in a garden where so much is planted that the violets cannot be distinguished from the weeds.
I started this blog as more of an outlet than anything else, but there's so much more I'd like to say, so here goes nothing..
